Joy

It has been a few months since I last posted so I thought I would give an update on how I am doing.  Things haven't been quite as I expected. I expected after getting to normal hCG range things would be smooth sailing. Yet, they have been quite the opposite. Around the time my hormones did normalize I began to experience symptoms of physical anxiety. It was scary and unnerving and very frustrating. My body has been through so much I think when I finally relaxed after returning to normal hCG that my body freaked out.  My mind is ready to heal quicker than my body can.

 My anxiousness was getting so bad (every twinge in my body made me think something horrible was going to happen to me) that I went to my family Doctor and he flat out said "it is ok. you have been through a lot. Your body needs time to heal, it has only been 3 months...." I think that is what I needed to hear from a doctor. That I was ok and it was normal for me to feel the way I do. And in the scheme of things it had ONLY been 3 months. Even though that isn't that long, to me it feels like years.

Today I am feeling better (with a sinus infection of course) but I am starting to feel like myself again. I know time will heal my body and I know I am doing everything I can to help in the process.  I take it one day at a time.

There are days when my grief over the loss of my baby weighs heavy on my heart. Something small will make me cry thinking of my baby.  I think those days will come and go for the rest of my life. I loved my baby so much even though I will never meet him/her in this lifetime. But that child has drastically changed my life. My baby may have never breathed the air on this earth but his/her impact has been profound.

I have struggled with the conflicting emotions of happiness and sorrow. How can they co-exsist? The answer is simple, they can't. Happiness alone is not enough.  JOY is the answer. I can still be joyful through the sorrow and the pain. That doesn't mean I have to plaster a smile on my face and pretend to be ok. It means that I can speak of my grief and cry and still have joy in my heart.  I find that joy in Christ and His love for me. I trust His plan is far greater than my own and that He loves me and wants nothing but for me to prosper. I was recently given a book about joy (thanks Meg) and here is an excerpt that spoke directly to me:

"Joy is the settled assurance that God is in control of ALL the details of my life, the quiet confidence that ultimately everything will be all right, and the determined choice to praise God in ALL things"(Kay Warren)

This is a nutshell sums up my life at this moment. Knowing in my mind, trusting with my heart that God is in control and everything will be all right. It seems so simple but our human nature can make it so hard. It is easy to play the "what if?" game with our futures and let our minds spin a web of lies.  

I wanted to be honest about this journey I have been on with everyone. At first it started as a way for me to help people understand the devastation miscarriages can have on people's lives and it has not turned into something more. I have no idea how many who or how many people read this but I am thankful to all who do. I hope in some way God has used this "blog" in your life. I know that so many of you have blessed me with kind words because of this. Thanks and blessings.